


1+1 = XO

by thebluesweater



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Universe, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Kissing, Lots of it, M/M, Mentioned NCT Dream Ensemble, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-07-07 15:22:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15910968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebluesweater/pseuds/thebluesweater
Summary: Jeno was still hesitant, but if Renjun wanted to know how a proper kiss would feel like, what the hell right? It was going to be just this once anyway, Renjun had said so himself.





	1+1 = XO

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this is. Don't expect a proper plot out of it.
> 
> The title was a mix of 1+1 and XO by Beyonce. Thank you, Beyonce, savior of this generation.
> 
> Please, please, please DO NOT REPOST the fic anywhere. Any other version of the fic in any platform besides this one in MY profile is not allowed.
> 
> This is a work of fiction and I don't claim any of these to be true. Mistakes are mine. I apologize in advance.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy it.

It all started with that inquisitive line from Renjun one night.

“Jeno, have you ever kissed someone?”

They were both settled down on their beds, Jeno on the bottom bunk, while Renjun claimed the top one as his own. The lights were already off but it was obvious that they were both still awake by the soft glow emanating from their phones.

It was an innocent question, so full of naivety and childlike wonder in its tone, not a single trace of malice or  mockery. Jeno was a little bit taken aback. He pursed his lips and considered his answer.

“Yes, I have.” he said simply, going back to the game in his phone with a light shrug.

Of course, he had already kissed someone- he’s a senior in their school and he’s 18. It’s normal, wasn’t it? Even if he’s a rookie idol. He knew what he was doing and so do the people he may or may not have made out with.

The bunk bed jostled, wood creaking from years of use and as soon as the lights came on, Jeno wasn’t surprised when Renjun’s head popped out from the security railings of the top bunk, peeking at Jeno with wide eyes.

Jeno sighed and paused his game, setting his phone down on his chest. He knew the look on Renjun’s eyes and it definitely was one of those that always ended up with them talking for hours while Renjun asked Jeno weird questions and Jeno answered them all patiently. He couldn’t help but comply to the Chinese’s boy’s demands for his attention.  Renjun’s always had this pull to him that Jeno couldn’t refuse.

Donghyuck called it being whipped. Jeno called being a good friend.

Renjun leaned over, looking like he might fall, and worry spiked somewhere in Jeno’s chest. “I mean- like- you know! Full on mouth collision with tongue fighting for dominance.”

Jeno frowned and gave Renjun a judgemental look. “Have you been reading those weird stories around Tumblr again? Seriously, you made kissing sound like it’s some sort of action film. It astounds me.”

Renjun pouted. “Shut up. It’s called fanfiction! How many times have I told you that? And it’s modern literature, you dumbass. Just answer my question.”

“Injun-ah, if your goal was to give me a headache- it’s working. What do you really want?”

The Chinese boy blinked at him, feigning innocence this time. “I want you to answer my question.”

Mind and body exhausted, he willed himself to sit up and face another onslaught of Renjun’s Quiz Bee, propping his back on the pillows. It had happened more times than he could count ever since they started being roommates and honestly? Jeno’s long since given up fighting an overly curious Renjun Huang in the wee hours of the night.

“Fine.” He grumbled, scratching the back of his neck, “ _ Yes.  _ I’ve had one of those  _ full on mouth collision _ and  _ tongue fighting for dominance _ type of kisses.”

Renjun’s eyes widened and he squeaked, almost falling off the railings as he flailed like an overzealous child. Jeno’s a little bit baffled at the display of excitement over a simple admittance.

“Dammit- Renjun, stop wiggling like a dying worm. You’re gonna fall and crack your head ope-  _ oof! _ ”

Out of breath, Jeno found himself with an armful of Renjun, suddenly lying horizontally on his lap, giggling like a deranged person after he got down from his bunk in a jiffy. It was quite scary and endearing if you asked Jeno.

“What the fuck-”

“How was it? How did you feel? Did your stomach flutter? Who was it? Oh my... was it the girl who confessed to you last week? What was her name again? Heri? Yeri? Heran-?” Jeno covered Renjun’s mouth before the other could throw more questions at him without relent.

Renjun’s lips were soft in his palm and his breath was hot, their bodies too close for comfort but Jeno’s used to that. Everyone in Dream is fond of skinship. But Renjun was sitting on his feet beside him, kneeling on the mattress of his bed, eager to learn and know with his hands firmly placed atop of his thighs like an obedient child.

His eyes sparkled in the shade of the bottom bunk- open curiosity boring into Jeno’s narrowed eyes and peeking at the deepest part of his soul where his desire rested.

Jeno removed his hand from Renjun’s mouth like he was burned and broke his gaze, tampering down the weird feeling that suddenly passed over him.

“It was Heran. And a lot more before her.”

“Are you dating her now? Wow. I didn’t know you liked her. You move fast, Jeno Lee.”

Jeno snorted and he enunciated slowly, “We’re not dating. It was… a one time thing.”

Patiently, he watched as Renjun’s expression turned from confusion to realization then settled back on to confusion again.

“Why would you kiss someone you’re not dating?” Renjun asked in bafflement, sitting back on his haunches.

“Because we realized that we don’t like each other that much? Injun, as long as both parties give their consent and are willing...” Jeno trailed off and shrugged, letting his words settle in the stillness of the air. Carefully he watched it dawn on Renjun’s face and once the words did, he sighed and ruffled Renjun’s soft hair making the other whine and swat his hand away with a fake threat of his fist.

“Don’t treat me like a child. I know that already. I just… don’t get it.” Renjun frowned, seemingly deep in thought.

Jeno thought carefully about what to say so his band member would understand. Then, “Well… it’s one of those things you have to experience first before fully knowing what’s it really like because words aren’t enough to describe it. And it differs for each person.”

“But didn’t you  _ feel _ something when you kiss them?” the other insisted.

Jeno blinked. “Of course, I did. It feels nice.”

“No. Like-”

Probably frustrated at himself for not explaining this well, Renjun untucked his feet from underneath him and crawled to sit beside Jeno whi scooted nearer to the side to give the Chinese man some space, his arm almost touching the cold wall now. Their backs were resting on the headboard and their bodies were sharing heat.

The bottom bunk was narrow, a cozy space for one but the two fit perfectly inside, like it was a little nook made just for them.

“Like what?”

“Like, butterflies in your stomach?” Renjun asked, sounding truly baffled by the thought of Jeno not getting any butterflies in his stomach while kissing. Just the thought of it gave Jeno the creeps. How could people think that that was a great analogy for… nice feelings? Jeno would probably never know.

“No. Not that I could think of. None at all. Renjun, those are just fantasies fed to us by romantics to sell something. Good ol’ capitalism.” Jeno mused. Unbeknownst to him, Renjun was staring at his side profile.

“What if I give you my consent now, would you kiss me?”

Jeno’s breathing faltered. Then, slowly he turned and spared Renjun an incredulous look. “Weren’t you just appalled at the thought of kissing someone you are not dating?”

Renjun angled his body towards Jeno, looking keen on making him understand his point, “But this is different! I just- I was just- I’m really curious!”

“Sure.” Skeptical, Jeno narrowed his eyes at Renjun. The boy’s face was set in determination and Jeno realized a small part of him found the thought of kissing Renjun very appealing.

Renjun was not the type of person to do something reckless like this, but then again the other man was unpredictable. Everyone in their group knew that Renjun Huang was a force to be reckoned with. Most of the time, no one could read what Renjun was thinking until he decided to voice it out.

He’s untouchable. He’s unpredictable. He’s a  _ vixen _ .

Renjun Huang was a whirlwind so powerful, he’d uproot you and either take you with him on his journey or throw you away to a far off place. Jeno had long thought that it was best to experience the former.

However, he had a friendship to keep. So Jeno opted to choose the route he had been taking ever since he met the vixen: the ‘ _ pass-it-off-as-a-joke’ _ route.

“If this is your plot to get me because I’m secretly your type- I’m flattered. Really. But I have to refuse your proposition.” He said lightly.

Renjun leaned away, affronted. “What the hell? You’re not my type. You’re just… convenient! Because one, you’re my roommate and one of my closest friends and two, I know you wouldn’t rattle on me because you’re Jeno Lee. You’re practically the bestest secret absorbent. You’re not a gossip and I trust you.”

Jeno feigned pain and gasped. “First of all,  _ ouch _ , okay? Stop objectifying me, I’m a human being with feelings, excuse you. Secondly, I can’t see how I’m going to benefit from kissing you and lastly, thank you. I really am a great friend. But the answer is still a hard no.”

“Okay. I’m sorry that was uncalled for and really mean of me but you’re the only one I could ask for this. Please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?” Renjun pouted and clasped his hands together, making his eyes bigger, resembling that cat from  _ Shrek _ that Jeno only knew because the other had made him watch the movie several times with him. Ugh. Jeno hated the fact that Renjun knew how to push the right buttons when it came to him.

Someone as naturally pretty and soft looking like Renjun, practically  _ begging _ to be kissed by Jeno, in his bed, was temptation served on a silver platter but there were too much at stake. Like their friendship. Oh, and probably how the aftermath will play out in their group. There’s that too.

“Why are you so adamant about this, Huang?” he asked firmly.

“I want to know what it feels like.” Renjun said in a whisper after much contemplation, dropping the cute act when he sensed the seriousness in Jeno’s voice and letting the initial childlike wonder and innocence take over, mixed with the sound of insecurity. He was looking at Jeno with an unreadable expression, and it made him feel bare, like Renjun was looking at and reaching something deeper within him. But then it all disappeared too soon. The other sniffed. “I’ve never done it before.”

“Wait. You’re saying this will be your first kiss? Renjun, I don’t want to take that away from you. I’m not a romantic but at least I know for a fact that firsts cannot be taken back no matter how hard you try once you gave it away.”

The other laughed softly, shaking his head like Jeno was the one suggesting something so stupid. Lifting a finger, Renjun gave his nose a light tap, smile twinkling in the dark shade of the bunk.

“It’s you, silly. I trust you with my first kiss. I know I will be okay if it’s with you, Jeno Lee.”

With that, Renjun took the words out of Jeno’s mouth along with his breath. The man knocked them out with the sincerity woven into those words, with innocence in his touch, and with the blatant trust carved into the gaze Renjun directed towards him. Jeno was left with lips parted in wonderment, and suddenly, he believed that no matter what will happen that night, everything will be alright.

Finally, he let his eyes wander down to get a glimpse of Renjun’s lips. They were as pink as a flower and for a second, he considered kissing him right there and then- desperate to discover if they would feel as soft as petals, too.

Jeno gulped and looked up, inhibitions slowly vanishing. “What’s in it for me?”

“You get to kiss me?”

Jeno snorted then clucked his tongue. “If you’re trying to convince me by saying that- you’ll have to try harder, Mister.”

“Just this once, Jeno. Come on. You have nothing to lose.”

“Yeah but I also have nothing to gain from it.”

Renjun pouted. “Am I that unkissable?”

“You know that’s not it, Renjun.” Sighing, Jeno let the resignation drip in his voice.

Renjun bit his lips, thinking. Jeno’s eyes were glued to them immediately- like a yoyo to its master. The other proceeded to swipe his tongue on his bottom lip to reduce the mark his teeth have imprinted there, unaware of the things he was doing to Jeno. He groaned internally. Renjun really wasn’t making this easy. Turning Renjun’s offer down for a makeout session was more difficult than any idol work he had ever done in his life.

It was hard enough that he shares a room with the vixen. The boy just had to be a goddamn tease- and the worst part? Renjun wasn’t even aware he was doing it most of the time. Jeno was trying to save a friendship here and Renjun’s just slowly making his defenses crumble bit by bit by simply existing. Seriously, how could someone so small be so dangerous?

Renjun hummed.

“Huh?” Jeno snapped his eyes up to Renjun and saw the other sporting mischief in his eyes. “Sorry, did you say something?”

“I didn’t. But you would know that. Weren’t you just looking at my lips, Jeno Lee?”

Jeno scoffed at the smugness in Renjun’s tone. “I most certainly was not.” But his eyes traitorously travelled south.

Renjun raised an eyebrow like he had just proved a point. Out of nowhere, he planted a hand on the bed near Jeno’s hip, leaning in to crowd him against the wall. The victorious smile that slowly spread across on Renjun’s lips was lethal.

It spoke volumes as Jeno tried to back away from the other.  _ Friendship! Think about the friendship!  _ Jeno chanted in his mind.

“Jeno, please?” Renjun whispered then bit his lower lip coyly, tilting his head to the side.

Jeno’s inhibitions flew right out of the window.   _ Fuck friendship, I guess. _

The beating of his heart was deafening and threatened to break out of its confines. Jeno worried he was going to die right there. Death by Renjun Huang did not sound so bad after all if the last thing he’d see was the other’s pretty face. Jeno immediately halted his thoughts right there.

“Okay! Okay! Fine. Jesus Christ. I felt like I just got tricked into agreeing.” He exclaimed and straightened up causing Renjun to back away but not without a triumphant smile on the vixen’s lips.

_ Yup _ , Jeno thought, looking at the smug expression that returned on the other’s face.  _ I definitely got tricked by one Renjun Huang. _

“So, how do we do it?”  Renjun buzzed, grabbing a light hold of his arms and was looking like he was going to pounce on him when Jeno held the Chinese man firmly by his hips to put him back in his place. The other pouted in disappointment but nevertheless relented on his actions.

“Wait- take it easy there, chief! Slow down, I’m not going anywhere.”

A sudden feeling took over him, making his entire body a jittery mess. This was it. The nervousness he felt was obvious to him, but Jeno hoped it wasn’t as much to Renjun. He was still hesitant, but if Renjun wanted to know how a proper kiss would feel like, what the hell right? It was going to be just this once anyway, Renjun had said so himself. Jeno mentally nodded. It wasn’t like this was an unusual thing amongst idol groups. Jeno could perfectly understand Renjun’s decision to choose him. This wasn’t even his ego bragging,being roommates and all, they had the flawless cover and privacy of their room to explore something like this. 

Jeno’s convenient. And Renjun’s lips were… too inviting.

“Okay. Come on. Do it!” Renjun hissed impatiently.

“Damn, why are you so eager?” Jeno muttered just to say something and appear nonchalant when in fact, he was far from it.

He looked at Renjun’s lips again and couldn’t help but take a sharp  breath. With a slightly trembling hand he cupped the side of Renjun’s jaw, thumbing the soft skin of his cheek tinted in cherry. Jeno’s body was acting like he hasn’t done this before and he hated himself for that. God, Renjun looked so pretty in Jeno’s hands. He swallowed. “Okay, I’m just gonna- right. Okay. Just- part your lips a little,” Slowly, he leaned in closer and thumbed the lower lip of the other, Renjun’s mouth falling open pliantly. Their breaths mingled and Renjun’s eyes were focused solely on him, watching his every move and clinging to his every word. “Yeah, like that. You can close your eyes if you want to. It’s cool if you don’t. Uhm. Yeah. Okay. Here goes nothing.”

Their first try was awkward.

Not because it happened. But because it didn’t happen.

They were interrupted abruptly when their lips were just a ghost’s width away from each other, hovering with their breath mixing until both of them startled in shock and parted away with a jolt after a series of knocks pounded on to the door.

“Kids! Go to sleep! You have an early costume fitting schedule tomorrow!” said their manager’s muffled voice before the door opened and Renjun scampered to his feet.

“R-right.”

Their manager’s keen eyes went from Renjun who was standing awkwardly in the middle of the room to Jeno who just stammered and was sitting on his bed with wild eyes. “What’s going on here?”

“One of Jeno’s contact lenses got stuck in his eye so I had to help him get it out?” Renjun blurted out before Jeno could even open his mouth to say a different lie, which Jeno was glad for since the excuse that he came up with seemed lacking and far fetched compared to what Renjun just said.

Worried, the eldest in the room turned to Jeno. “You okay now?”

He nodded vigorously. “Yup. Cool. Really good. Nothing to worry about. My eyes are good and contact lens free.”

“Okay.” The manager nodded. “Well, go to sleep now. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

“Goodnight, hyung.” Both of them chorused as an afterthought before their manager shut the door behind him and silence befell the room, the air thick with the fog of discomfort.

“So, uh. I guess, goodnight?” Renjun shuffled in his place, unsure and looking anywhere but Jeno.

“Right. Yeah.” Jeno coughed to cover up the awkwardness of what just happened. “Night.” he said briefly.

Jeno watched Renjun climbed up to his bunk and felt him settle in before turning off the lights, his mind nothing but a muddle of confusion. He kept wondering if he had scared Renjun off and the thought did not sit well with him. In fact, it plagued his mind so much that he didn’t fall asleep until the sky was whispering the promise of its first sunlight.

\---

“Stop the music!”

Letting out a huff when the music abruptly stopped, Jeno angrily wiped the bead of sweat that rode its way down his brow as he stared hard at his reflection in the mirror, his last movement looking different from the rest of his teammates.

“Jeno, what are you doing? We’ve been going through the same piece of choreography three times and you still haven’t gotten it. Get your mind out of the gutter and focus! You’re wasting everyone’s time.” their choreographer  _ noona _ said harshly, frowning upon him like he’s some weird kid who grew another head right there and then.

He nodded silently. “I’m sorry. I’ll try harder and get it right the next time.” He said, lips shutting into a firm, thin line. Jaemin, who was closest to his position, gave him a reassuring pat in the back and it made Jeno even more frustrated.

Jeno was embarrassed and angry at himself. Embarrassed, because he’s usually one of the first ones to memorize and get the choreography right but this time, he couldn’t- causing everyone to redo the same part over and over again. And angry, for some reason, that he couldn’t get his body to move the way he wanted it to. He could not keep his mind from wandering off to thoughts of  _ The Incident _ with Renjun two weeks ago.

Like clockwork, his eyes drifted off to Renjun’s reflection in the floor to ceiling mirror and caught him watching Jeno with worry in his eyes and for a split second, he caught a glimpse of Renjun bringing a thumb to his lips, nervously biting his nails.

Jeno looked away in an instant.

“Let’s start again.” their choreographer sighed.

The music started and everyone moved in harmony. It was all smooth sailing until Jeno failed to be in his position at the right timing and collided with Chenle.

The music stopped. Everyone caught their breaths and waited for the verdict.

“I’m sorry. It’s my fault.” he apologized immediately. Jeno felt horrible, his gut twisting unpleasantly. He couldn’t look at everyone else. The room was becoming small and suffocating.

“Damn right it is.” their choreographer spat. Resigned, she hummed. “Alright. Let’s call it a day for now and regroup tomorrow at the same time.”

They bowed to her before she exited the dance studio without another word and the rest of the dream members collectively packed their bags, readying to leave.

It was shameful enough that they had to repeat the same choreo more times than usual, but to regroup because of him? Jeno was waist deep in all kinds of self blame.

“Guys, I’m really sorry.” Jeno started, addressing the whole room. Everyone stopped what they were doing and sent him looks of bewilderment.

“It’s okay, Jeno. You’re clearly not in your game and I think I’m speaking for everyone here when I say that we all have days like that. Don’t beat yourself up over it and just make sure that you’ll be in your best tomorrow. Whatever’s worrying you, talk to someone or do something about it.” Mark, the ever great leader that he was, spoke gently before drinking from his water bottle as the rest of his team agreed noisily.

“Yeah, man. If you need to talk, or if you need my expertise, I’m here.” Donghyuck grinned at Jeno, tapping his cheek twice which put a small smile on his dampened mood. Trust Donghyuck to make Jeno smile at his worst times.

“What exactly is your expertise?” Jisung piped up from where he was lying on the floor, head at an awkward angle so he could give the mouthy vocalist the stinky eye.

Donghyuck turned to Jisung with narrowed eyes. With his chin held high, he said, “A lot. I’m a Jack of all trades, excuse you.”

“So, an expert of none?” Jisung retorted.

“Why you-” Donghyuck went to put Jisung in a headlock but the youngest had already expected it to happen even before Donghyuck moved and quickly ran to the door, cackling loudly knowing he got Donghyuck. “Come here, you little shit!”

“No running in the hallways!” Mark tried to remind the two but they were already out of their sight so all he could do was to shake his head. “I’m going to get premature grey hair because of those two.”

Jeno laughed and everyone followed.

“Let’s go down, hyung. Manager hyung said the car’s already waiting for us.” Chenle said from the couch, yawning and looking exhausted.

Jeno felt guilt nag at him again when he saw the tiredness in the younger’s eyes and his smile faltered. “I think I’m staying for a little while. I still need to work on my dance.”

Jaemin stopped in his tracks. “Jeno-”

“It’s okay, Jaemin. I’ll see you at the dorms later.” Jeno sent his good friend a tight lipped smile and nodded before turning back to fetch his tumbler.

“I’ll stay with him. You guys go first. He needs someone to watch and check if his choreo was correct anyway.” Renjun’s molten voice spoke and Jeno almost tripped on his way to where his belongings were. He had almost forgotten that Renjun was there with them- with all of his efforts to rid his mind of the other.

Suddenly, Jeno’s heart skipped a beat.

“Okay. Good. Just be home before midnight.” Mark nodded, unaware of the storm that was brewing inside Jeno’s mind. He herded both Chenle and Jaemin out of the door after picking up Jisung’s and Donghyuck’s bags, leaving Jeno and Renjun alone in the studio.

A heavy silence hovered over the two, making the room feel stuffy with pressing questions that hung at the back of their minds. Questions about the almost kiss they hadn’t had the chance to talk about yet, or more appropriately, had been skirting around. The moment Jeno finished getting refreshment, he heard footfalls of Renjun coming closer and making the hair on his arms and at the back of his neck stood up in anticipation, then dread.

_ What am I gonna say to him? What is he gonna say to me? _ Jeno’s mind was like a boat in the middle of the storm- the constant worrying was crashing on him like angry waves.

“Should I turn the other lights off?” Renjun asked, his voice rang loud and clear in the almost empty studio.

Jeno turned to him, confused. “Why?”

Blinking, Renjun shrugged. Then, he said in a careful voice, “I know that when you practice alone, you like to do it with little illumination. I don’t know. I guess I just figured you’d want it now.”

Jeno’s lips parted a little in surprise. Apparently, the Chinese boy had been paying more attention to Jeno than he let on. A feeling of warmth coursed through him, making his lips form a soft smile.

Jeno was glad that his members have nothing but support and understanding for him.

“Yes, please.”

Renjun nodded and returned the smile, turning on his heel and dimming the entire studio for Jeno, flushing it in yellow lights instead of the usual fluorescent white.

“Is that alright?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Renjun.”

“Anytime.”

“How did you know?”

“About the lights?” Renjun asked, walking to where the audio system was located at, preparing to man it and watch Jeno practice.

“Yeah.” Jeno mused, watching Renjun in the mirror.

The other shrugged. “I’m observant.”

Jeno narrowed his eyes. So did that meant that Renjun had been observing him? Watching him closely more than necessary? Whatever the answer was, Jeno didn’t have the chance to ask as the music blared from the speaker and they set to work.

They moved to the choreography thoroughly, Renjun helping him relentlessly and patiently, nothing but encouraging as they smoothed out each portion of the routine.

But Jeno’s mind was still a mess and their conversation just a while ago did not help him at all.

“Fuck! Why can’t I get it right?” Jeno exclaimed later on, when his body refused to move to the music like he wanted it to for the umpteenth time. The fact that it was always the same part in the choreography frustrated him even more as he angrily wiped the sweat on his neck.

Renjun stopped the music and hopped off the window ledge, walking towards him with comfort in his presence. “It’s okay, Jeno. I’m here to help you ou-”

“It’s not fucking okay!” Jeno snapped which halted Renjun’s movements. Surprised at his own outburst, he felt shame slowly slither its way into his veins at the look of surprise that flashed on Renjun’s face that slowly bled into fear and that made Jeno backtrack. He took a deep, shaky breath and slumped down on the floor, exhausted, his back was against the mirror. This was his own doing and no one else’s. He shouldn’t be angry or upset at Renjun who did nothing but try to help him. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms.

“Shit. I’m sorry. I’m just- I’m sorry. I’m tired and I’m stressed out and I’m taking it out on you. I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry, Injunnie.”

When Renjun spoke, his calming voice reverberated in the otherwise silent studio and resonated within him. “Jeno, don’t be too hard on yourself. I understand what you’re going through. I know all of this- all this could be overwhelming. And it’s okay to feel that way.”

Grabbing a fistful of his own hair, Jeno smiled bitterly. “I know. But I couldn’t help it.”

Renjun hesitantly walked towards him, silently asking if it was okay to sit down in front of him, and Jeno simply nodded. The scene looked somewhat familiar to Jeno and his breath caught in his throat when he realized that it reminded him of their position two weeks back.

“Well, we’re humans. We are flawed and we easily tire. You’re not special.” The other smirked playfully at him, urging him to smile genuinely.

Jeno chuckled tiredly. “It’s not all that. My mind is too full. I’m thinking too much.” He closed his eyes when he felt Renjun pry his hands away from his own hair and pat it gently to fix it in place. “Sometimes I wish I could just turn it off for a minute or two, you know?” Jeno mumbled mindlessly.

“Maybe, I could help?” Renjun suggested, making Jeno frown and then open his eyes.

“What do you me-”

Plush lips pressed on his, completely shutting him up and pulling the rug out from under his feet. Jeno’s mind blanked out as he blinked. All thoughts flying away, he went a little cross eyed because of how close Renjun was to him.

No. Renjun was kissing him.

It was a light peck, a short moment of lips on his. And in that split second, Jeno hadn’t realized that something inside of him started to bloom.

When they broke apart, Jeno stared wide eyed at Renjun whose face was doused in crimson, flushed under the dimmed yellow light of the room. With his heart threatening to leap out of its confines, Jeno opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. His mind was at a complete loss and all he could think about was Renjun’s soft lips on his mere moments ago.

“Was that alright?” Renjun asked in a small voice, eyes glued to the floor near his own worn out sneakers.

The naked insecurity in Renjun’s voice as he spoke felt like a bucket of ice cold water had been poured onto Jeno and he snapped out of his daze.

“U-uh.” he said unintelligently.

“I knew it. It was bad.” Renjun curled in on himself, groaning. Jeno watched as the other pulled his knees up and hid his face between them, covering his face in embarrassment.

“Well, it’s just a peck. I don’t think any peck is bad. Don’t feel so down.” Jeno comforted Renjun, words tumbling out of his mouth in a haze. He felt out of his element as he pat the other’s shoulder, like he should be saying something more. Something… closer to what he’s truly feeling. It was just a peck but it felt like so much more. He couldn’t figure out what it was. Maybe it was nothing. Seconds had passed and Jeno kept his mouth shut as he pushed the thoughts away to lock them up in the back of his mind. 

The other whined and stomped his feet at what he said, making Jeno laugh.

“At least it got your mind off of the weird thoughts you were having.”

Jeno stopped. So, Renjun had been trying to comfort him? He had a very unique way of doing it, but Jeno nevertheless appreciated the thought behind the gesture.

“It did. I guess.”

Cheeks still tinted in pink, Renjun snapped his head up and lightly punched Jeno on his shoulder. “You guess?!”

“What am I supposed to say to that?”

“I don’t know, idiot. That was my first kiss!”

_ Oh. _

“Oh shit. I feel like I’m supposed to apologize but I didn’t even asked for it. You did it on your own so-  _ ow _ !” Jeno’s exclamation of pain turned into a small fit of giggles as Renjun attacked him with his tiny fists.

“I want to take it back. That was such a lame first kiss!”

Jeno caught Renjun’s wrists, still chuckling. “You are so rude. First, you stole a kiss from me. Now you say it was lame. I’m deeply hurt.”

“You’re so annoying.”

“I’m cute.”

“Ugh.”

“Let me make it up to you, then.” Renjun stopped trying to claw his eyes out and raised an eyebrow at him, as if asking Jeno if he really suggested what he just did, to which Jeno tilted his head and smiled at him encouragingly- meeting Renjun’s gaze head on. Expressions pass over the other’s face and for a moment, Jeno felt the itch to take back what he said, afraid that he went overboard with his joke.

(Deep inside, Jeno asked himself if it was really a joke then. In more ways than none, they had already gone overboard and fell into the rabbit hole two weeks back. Jeno’s just in denial that they seem to be digging themselves deeper into the pit rather than crawling upwards to escape it.)

“Okay.” Renjun agreed, eyes serious as he fell back on the floor, settling down and accepting Jeno’s challenge.

Jeno’s lips parted, surprised, and the atmosphere suddenly turned into something heavier compared to its previous lighter vibe. Their gazes held each other’s like magnets- unwilling to break away, always hypnotised by each other.

Everything slowed down in that instant. It was nothing like how the books had described it, not how the movies did. There were no fireworks. There were no electric sparks. With Jeno and Renjun, it was like the sands of time halted to a standstill- each and every detail of that moment stopped for them to savour it.

Jeno remembered everything in that moment vividly.

The quiet hum of the air conditioner.

The buzzing of the yellow lights.

Two boys were sitting on the wooden floor, too close for comfort, inside the dance studio.

Renjun was bare faced, he could see the flaws in his tired skin, in the bags under his eyes; he could see every wandering imperfections in his façade but he was still beautiful. Renjun was ethereal even without the help of cosmetics. Always had been. Always will be.

The other’s eyes were adorned with innocence and anticipation, hesitation and trust- all of them, they were woven into the irises of the very eyes that were locked with Jeno’s and he wondered if he was mirroring them.  He wondered if Renjun could see him the way Jeno was seeing Renjun in that moment.

Every inch of Renjun looked otherworldly. A cosmic being. A beautiful disaster. A phenomenon.

Slowly, Jeno lifted a trembling hand and carefully cupped Renjun’s heated cheek, causing the other man’s eyes to flutter shut, nuzzling into his palm.

“Are you scared?” Jeno whispered, breath ghosting over Renjun’s lips. The other shivered in return at the heat that made his lips tingle.

Renjun’s eyes opened and searched his. Then, he leaned in and lightly touched Jeno’s nose with his own. “I’m not.” he said serenely. A small smile. “But I think you are.”

He gulped, his heart falling into a slow thrum as he closed the space between them. Jeno let go of his fears as their eyes fell shut.

This time, there was no manager to interrupt them. This time, it wasn’t just a quick peck on the lips. Because this time, when their lips met, it was nothing like how quick and firm the first one was.

Their second kiss was their first real kiss.

One single moment stretched for eternity. A ripple in a stagnant water. An eye of a storm. Butterfly effect.

Renjun’s lips parted as soon as Jeno touched them, anticipating him, waiting for him, accepting him. The kiss was languid at best with both of them patiently discovering the feeling of each other, exploring the taste and finding out that they both liked it.

Jeno and Renjun’s first real kiss tasted like the lemon candy the Chinese man had been sucking on a while ago during practice. Sweet. When Renjun’s lips parted in a gasp, Jeno took the opportunity to guide the other’s head to the side to deepen the kiss and found out that he liked the combination of their taste. Something words could not describe.

Their lips moved soothingly against each other, Jeno’s worries leaving his body like slow fizzles of smoke vanishing in the air as Renjun made them go away with the little sounds of contentment he was emitting.

Drunk. It was a feeling Jeno thought he’d only get from drinking alcohol but Renjun’s inexperienced kiss had proved him wrong.

When they part for air, Jeno’s eyes immediately went to Renjun’s lips. They were red as a ruby, the skin around his mouth was pinkish and Jeno blushed thinking that he did that. He thumbed the apples of Renjun’s cheeks that he couldn’t remember holding with both of his hands in the middle of the kiss.

Renjun’s eyes were still closed as he was regaining the air that Jeno took away. Suddenly, Renjun started giggling.

“What?” Jeno asked, frowning.

“I finally got you to kiss me properly.” Renjun said breathlessly and opened his eyes- they were filled with mirth and bliss. His eyes might be fooling him, but Renjun was glowing. Jeno though Renjun had never looked prettier than in that moment.

Dumbfounded, he shook his head and wiped Renjun’s still wet lips with the collar of Jeno’s shirt like how someone would to a child while the other was still giggling.

“You’re impossible.”

“And I think that you’re an okay kisser.”

Jeno froze, offended. “You’ve kissed someone other than me?”

“No. But we should do it again.” Renjun said with a shrug before getting up. “Let’s go pack up for today. It’s getting close to midnight anyway. I’m hungry. I wonder what’s for dinner...” he trailed off as he sauntered over to the other side of the studio to fetch his bag, leaving Jeno to sputter on the floor behind him.

\---

Ever since that day, it happened more often than Jeno had expected.

Kissing Renjun, that was.

It first happened with fond small pecks on cheeks from Renjun. Sometimes, when they were alone together and they could physically feel the pull of tension from one another, Renjun would call for his attention and all of a sudden Jeno’s lips would be captured in a light kiss. Jeno would deepen it, carefully prying Renjun’s lips open with his thumb or, when they got into it that he could feel himself drowning in the saccharine taste of the other man, he would do it with his tongue. In both occasions, Renjun would open up for him obediently and welcomingly.

That’s how it worked with them, Renjun would start and Jeno would be the one to finish, willingly swooping in where the other left off.

Though, at first, he didn’t want to admit it, but kissing Renjun came to him as natural as breathing, or drinking water. It felt as if his lips were made for the other man, or at least, that's what the exaggerated version of what he’s feeling was. There was a certain comfort that he felt with Renjun that he hadn’t experienced with the other people he had kissed before. It was different, and Jeno felt safe.

With Renjun, everything was bright and easy. Like feathers falling softly to the ground as they were meant to.

Of course, they only kissed whenever there was no one else who could see them. It was like an unspoken rule that they both unanimously agreed to considering they hadn’t really talked about what they were to each other  _ yet _ . Somehow, Jeno just couldn’t bring himself to broach the subject with Renjun and the other didn’t seem to mind it.

As long as they’re both enjoying it, labeling what they have didn’t matter, right?

“I’m home.” Jeno mumbled routinely as soon as he entered their dorm. He was met with silence as the others were probably already resting in their respective rooms to conclude the day.

It had been a gruelling session at the recording studio, being the last one to record his parts and backing vocals, he let the others go home earlier than him. He didn’t want them waiting up for him and taking time off the few hours left for them to rest. The other members were hesitant at first, but Jeno was persistent, assuring them that he was fine on his own.

Sighing, he went straight to the kitchen to quench his thirst. Rubbing the weariness from his eyes, he was surprised to see Renjun sitting on the kitchen counter with a cup of tea nestled in his hands.

“Hey, you’re back.” Renjun perked up once he spotted Jeno walking towards him.

“And you’re still awake?” Jeno leaned his hip on the marbled countertop beside Renjun’s knees and saw that the microwave was running. “What’re you heating up?”

“Milk. For you. I know you like drinking a hot cup of milk when you’re tired.”

Heat crept up Jeno’s cheeks. “So that’s why you kept asking if I’m already near the dorm.” He moved to bury his face on Renjun’s shoulder under the guise of exhaustion. Renjun smelled like flowers. “How did you even know I like milk when I’m tired?” Jeno asked as an afterthought.

Renjun raised a hand and softly pet his hair to which he hummed. It felt nice to have Renjun’s fingers on his hair. “I told you I’m very observant.”

They stayed like that until the microwave signaled that it's done. Jeno reluctantly moved away from Renjun’s comforting warmth and got his milk. There was silence between them as they both drank their cups of hot beverages in peace.

“How was the recording?” Renjun asked moments later, after he finished his tea and placed the cup in the sink.

“It went well and I finished all of it, thankfully.” He leaned on the counter, looked at Renjun and grinned proudly.

Renjun bursted out laughing after taking one look at him and Jeno tilted his head to the side with a frown.

“What?” he questioned.

“You got-” Renjun’s words were engulfed in giggles and Jeno’s even more confused now.

Was there something funny in what he said? He didn’t think it was  _ that _ funny. Renjun’s weird sometimes.

In a few strides, Renjun crossed the distance between them and got in between Jeno’s parted legs, still vibrating and beaming with mirth. Naturally, the hand that wasn't holding the mug of milk rested itself on Renjun’s hip lightly. 

“Idiot. What is it?” Jeno mumbled, trying to sound annoyed but Renjun looked so happy against him that he was pretty sure there was a smile on his lips mirroring the other.

“You got milk above your lips, Mr. Commercial Boy.” Renjun smirked at him which made Jeno groan, for teasing him about his childhood or because Renjun looked tempting, he didn’t want to acknowledge just yet.

“Please, leave my dark past alone.”

Another bouts of giggles escaped Renjun and Jeno was hypnotized by how melodic the sound of it was to his ears. The other ended up wiping the milk mustache off of Jeno’s upper lip with his thumb, looking really content.

Smiling, Renjun cupped Jeno’s jaw with both of his hands and to his surprise, placed a quick kiss on Jeno’s lips.

“What was that for?” Jeno asked, a small smile slowly forming on his lips, cheeks reddening even more. He probably looked like a tomato head now but he didn’t care. Renjun was showering him with affection and that was a rare thing, so he was going to soak it up.

“You’re so cute sometimes, Jeno Lee.” Renjun whispered on his lips, thumbing his cheeks gently, eyes twinkling with fondness.

Jenk scoffed, hiding his embarrassment. “What the heck, Huang.”

That made Renjun coo even more, like someone would to a puppy, and shower Jeno’s face with little kisses, evoking giggles from both of them at the silliness of it.

It was probably a mix of their exhausted minds from a long day, the wee hours of the night, the pull of the moon or just something more between them. But Jeno felt bliss in that moment and a small voice inside his head hoped that Renjun and him could stay that way for a long time.

Suddenly, holding the empty mug was too difficult of a task for him so he placed it carefully on the counter behind him. Then, without a word, Jeno dove to capture the giggles on Renjun’s lips with his mouth.

He couldn’t help it. The urge to kiss Renjun’s lips was intense- it overwhelmed his entire being. Jeno felt like he would combust if he didn’t do it.

Renjun squeaked and returned Jeno’s kiss properly at first, but then, he started giggling harder. Jeno kept kissing him though, but he could feel himself smile on the kiss too. It was a mess. It was ridiculous. But Jeno wouldn't have it any other way.

“You’re ridiculous, you know that?” Jeno whispered after leaving one last lingering kiss on Renjun’s lips.

“I am not.”

Shaking his head, Jeno let go of Renjun and the other stepped back. It was useless to argue with Renjun like this. “Let’s clean up and sleep.”

“Okay.” Renjun grinned and Jeno returned it as brightly.

That night, after Jeno settled in his bunk, feeling fresh after a shower, the Chinese man hesitated on the ladder before walking towards Jeno and placing a small peck on his lips.

Blinking, he only watched as Renjun turned the lights off and climbed on the upper bunk without a word.

They had kissed before, but after the first incident a few weeks back, it was the first time they’ve kissed in the confines of their room, Jeno realized.

It just seemed too… intimate. It was a ridiculous thought considering they’ve done it in places far more riskier than their shared room.

But.

Somehow, this one felt like a hundred steps over the line.

(It was.)

“Renjun?”

Time seemed to freeze. Then, the other hummed and the clock moved its hands again.

“What are we?” Before Jeno could think, the words had already hung themselves in the air, waiting. His gaze bore a hole in the wooden plank above his bed, breath held in dread.

“What do you think we are?” Renjun said evenly, voice just only loud enough for Jeno to hear.

“Don’t put this on me, please.”

He heard Renjun sighed. “Then, we are…  _ kiss buddies _ .  _ Kissing partners _ . No strings attached and all that jazz, Jeno.”

Jeno released the air he was holding in, relief washing over him. For some reason, he was scared for a moment that Renjun would ask something more from Jeno. Something he couldn’t give the other. Something he was not ready to give yet. He was glad that Renjun seemed to be on the same page as him.

“That’s not even a thing but okay. That’s cool, too.” he said. At least, they now know their boundaries, right?

“Goodnight, Jeno Lee.” Renjun voiced out softly later on in the dark when Jeno was nearly falling asleep. His voice sounded calming but far away. “You did well today.”

Eyes closed, Jeno smiled. “You too, Huang. Sleep well.”

\---

“Jeno, you’re so lucky.” Renjun mused one night when Jeno’s eyes were threatening to fall shut, mind numb and body dog tired.

“Hmm? Where did that came from?” He mumbled lethargically, sleep hinting at his voice. He hoped that Renjun could hear him answer. The calming slow pitter patter of the rain on their window was no help to his already fuzzed state.

“Just.” Jeno heard Chinese man say. Tiredly, he shook his head to keep himself awake for Renjun, sensing something off in the way the other had said it. Like Renjun  wanted to say something more, but he was hesitating.

“What’s wrong, Injun-ah?”

“I miss my family.” His band member whispered after a short silence, the words hanging heavy in the air like gray clouds, a perfect reflection of the heavy rain outside.

Without missing a beat, Jeno turned over onto his back. “Injun-ah, come here.”

And just like clockwork, Renjun came down from the upper bunk with his Moomin pillow in hand and Jeno welcomed him into his bed, lifting the covers and scooting over to make space for the other. Renjun immediately bent down to lay beside him, arms automatically snaking on Jeno’s torso and head fitting snugly on the crook of his neck.

With a group as unique and diverse as theirs, the foreign members were bound to feel homesick from time to time and they had all wholeheartedly sworn before that they would take care and look after one another when that happened. Jeno loved each member of his group equally like his own family, and he would go to great lengths for them. But when it came to Renjun, Jeno’s willing to do the most. Maybe it’s because of his smaller stature, the instinct to protect him was inevitable, or how deep inside, he’s more innocent than what he makes himself out to be, but Jeno’s always had a soft spot for the Chinese.

Softly carding Renjun’s hair, he closed his eyes and let the other steal as much warmth he could from Jeno’s body. “Haven’t you been talking to them lately?”

“I have. But- it’s different.” Renjun sighed. The lashes of his eyes flit and they tickled the skin on Jeno’s neck but he did not dared to move, not wanting to disrupt how their bodies were slotted together. “I can’t smell home when we video call. I miss their touch. I miss their hugs. You’re so lucky you can just get on a bus and you’d be home with your family. I know I did this to myself by choosing to work here in Korea- and I don’t regret that choice. I’m grateful and I’m happy. I should be.”

“But?”

Renjun shivered and his arms tightened their hold on Jeno’s body. “But I can’t help feeling lonely sometimes. And I shouldn’t be because you’re all here with me- my second family. I feel awful feeling this way.” he whispered.

“Renjun, baby, look at me.” Jeno said, mind too sleepy to process what his words could mean, and too worried that all he cared about in that moment was to give comfort and reassurance to his friend. When Renjun lifted his head, Jeno arranged their bodies so they could face each other.

Fear and insecurity bled from Renjun’s eyes as they locked with his, looking infinitely smaller as he worried on his lip and Jeno felt a tug on his heartstrings. Sluggishly, he brought his hands up to cup Renjun’s face.

Jeno placed a light kiss on his forehead, lips tingling at the touch, to wish Renjun’s worries away. A gentle kiss on the sides of Renjun’s eyes, causing the other to let out a small sound of question, so the other would see that he’s not alone in this. A careful kiss on his nose, just because Jeno was fond of it. And lastly, Jeno placed a lingering peck on Renjun’s lips, thumbing his cheek to let the other know that it’s all going to be okay.

“Jeno…” Renjun breathed.

Softly, Jeni nuzzled the other’s face with his nose, thinking that if he could get closer, maybe the words would etch themselves to Renjun’s mind. “Don’t ever suppress your feelings just because you’re worried about what other people might say, Injun-ah. It’s okay to miss your family and its okay to feel lonely about it. Your bond with them is strong and the want to be with them- that is normal, too. You don’t have to compartmentalize your feelings. Let it out and it will make you feel better even if it's just a tiny bit. I’m here for you if you need me. I’m all ears.”

A small sincere smile slowly spread across Renjun’s lips. “You’re right. I feel better now after hearing those things.” Jeno nodded and closed his eyes, letting Renjun’s hot breath fan on his cheek. “Thank you for listening to me and calling me out on my BS.”

“Yeah.” Jeno said and belatedly removed his hands from Renjun’s cheeks to hug the other like a pillow. It felt nice to hold Renjun in his arms, like he could do it forever and he wouldn’t mind.

“Jeno?” Renjun said, voice muffled on Jeno’s chest.

“Hmm?”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Hmm.”

And they kissed. Jeno let Renjun lead their lips to one another and opened for him obligingly, his brain too exhausted and sleep filled to function so he just let the other kiss him senseless, let him take all that he could from Jeno. He didn’t mind as long as it’s Renjun. He felt safe. He felt like it was meant to be.

Renjun continued to lavish his lips searingly and on a good day, Jeno would comment on how good of a kisser Renjun had become ever since they started this, but it was late and Jeno just wanted to sleep with Renjun in his arms, so he didn’t. The other seemed to sense Jeno’s lack of enthusiasm so Renjun slowed down.

“Are you sleeping on me? In the middle of a make out session?” His breath felt cold on Jeno’s glistening, wet lips. Jeno shook his head. Then, he nodded, eyes still closed and mind slowly falling into the slow thrum of slumber. He heard Renjun snort. “I’m sorry for bothering you.”

Renjun moved to leave but Jeno’s arms around him tightened, clinging to his waist for dear life. A small whine escaped Jeno. “No, don’t leave. We can kiss. It’s okay.” he mumbled.

“Cute.” Renjun murmured, completely enamored before he swooped down again to capture Jeno’s awaiting lips.

This time, when their lips met, it was slower, calmer, gentler. They moved in sync with the other, Jeno was hypnotised at the softness of it, like he suddenly fell on a cloud of cotton. As their lips kept meeting languidly, it felt as if the world had slowed down with them and Jeno could hold time still in the palm of his hand.

The last thing Jeno remembered before he fell asleep was Renjun’s soothing voice wishing him goodnight.

\---

The door creaked quietly as Jeno peeked into the room before entering.

Renjun was still fast asleep, the other snoozing peacefully on Jeno’s bed, looking subdued and well cuddled on the navy blue sheets. Somehow it felt right to see Renjun sleeping in his bed instead of his own bunk. It had been a tight fit for the two of them but ever since that night where he let Renjun kissed him to sleep, the Chinese boy had migrated to sleeping on Jeno’s bed.

Renjun’s hair fell around his head like a halo, soft peaks of blonde sticking here and there. The morning light that filtered through the blinds shined on him, and the moment looked picture perfect to Jeno. Renjun took his breath away again.

Carefully, Jeno made his way to the other to fix the blanket on the sleeping beauty before going to his dresser to look for his earpods. He found them and quickly stuffed the pods inside his pocket.

“Hmm… Jeno?”

Jeno snapped his head to the bunk and smiled apologetically. “Shit. Sorry, Injun. I was just about to leave. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

The other eyed his clothes and finally blinked in realization. “Right. You have  _ The Show _ broadcast today.” Renjun hummed, sitting up and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “It’s okay. I’m supposed to be up anyway. I have a 10 AM ballet class to go to.”

Renjun stretched and yawned like a kitten. Jeno felt something in him break. Ignoring it, he sat on the edge of the bed, lifting a hand to fix Renjun’s sleep rumpled hair. “It’s a good thing Donghyuck made breakfast today then.” Jeno said with a fond smile, watching Renjun’s eyes flutter shut as he played with his hair.

“Ah, Haechan is here? What is he doing here?”

“He’s a special MC on today’s  _ The Show  _ so he’s going to come with us to the station and since the car usually picks me up here...” Jeno trailed off when Renjun lightly grabbed the hand that was on his hair and put it on his cheek, sighing contently at the warmth. Renjun’s always been affectionate in the morning. Jeno could get used to this, if he was being honest.

Thumbing his cheek, Jeno hesitantly let go. “I have to go.” Renjun pouted, making Jeno chuckle. He placed a kiss on the corner of Renjun’s mouth. “See you later.”

“Alright. Have fun. Don’t feel too nervous.”

Jeno winked at Renjun from the doorway. “For you, I won’t.”

The moment he closed the door, his eyes met with Donghyuck’s questioning ones and Jeno felt his heart drop into the pit of his stomach. Jeno opened his mouth to say something but the mouthy vocalist straightened his stance from leaning on the opposite wall and unhinged his crossed arms.

“Later.” Donghyuck said with finality in his voice, then sighed. “Hyung sent me to get you. The car’s waiting downstairs. Let’s go. We have work to do.”

Jeno only nodded, suddenly feeling guilty and exposed. With the silence palpable in the air, they walked to the elevator and rode it down to the basement where the tinted black van was waiting for them. He felt anxious, like he should be saying something but Donghyuck was acting so casually that Jeno couldn’t figure out what to say next even after entering the car.

After much contemplation, Jeno sent a text to Renjun.  _ Donghyuck saw us _ .

It was short and direct to the point. He thought it wouldn’t be fair to Renjun if he hid this vital information from him when he was also involved.

_ Jeno _ …, Renjun’s message said a few minutes after, followed by a bunch of emojis that showed the other’s distress.

_ I’ll talk to him. _ He immediately reassured the other but God knew he still had no idea what to say to the mouthy vocalist even after they had arrived at the station.

So Jeno prayed and held on to the promise that Donghyuck would open the conversation after the broadcast had ended. Jeno needed to focus on being an MC, and so did Donghyuck. He barely got through the show but he tried his best to be professional and it wasn’t a futile effort. When  _ The Show _ ended, he subtly tried to prolong the wait by greeting and bidding every production staff goodbye, his nerves on edge. But he could only say farewell to so many people before the dreaded conversation finally came.

“So, you and Renjun.” Donghyuck started nonchalantly when they finally had privacy  in the van. Their manager had taken a quick trip to the bathroom. Jeno groaned and the other scoffed. “I haven’t even said anything!”

“You’re brewing something inside that brain of yours and I could smell it even if I’m outside this car.” Jeno tried to joke, hoping that Donghyuck would somehow get distracted.

“Whatever you say, Jeno.” Donghyuck said in a singsong voice. “What’s up with you and Renjun? Since when has that been a thing?” He knew he couldn’t distract Donghyuck even if there was an earthquake. Not when he had already set his mind on knowing what was going on between him and Renjun.

“What if I don’t answer these questions?” Jeno asked.

Donghyuck pretended to think about it for a moment. “I’m gonna throw you out of this car.”

Jeno rolled his eyes. “Sheesh. No need to be violent.”

“Stop stalling, Jeno.” Donghyuck snapped and Jeno knew he had to get serious then.

“Fine. Renjun and I, we’re…” Jeno fiddled with the hem of his hoodie as he avoided the other’s piercing stare, opting to look down instead. “We’re kissing partners?”

“Are you shitting me right now?”

“I’m not! I swear, I’m not.”

“You do know that there is no such thing as  _ kissing partners _ , right?” Donghyuck made sure to emphasize the term, even using his fingers to air quote it. But even without his dramatic fingers, just his tone and the judgement in his eyes were enough to get the message through to Jeno. And it went through to him, hard.

“There is now.” He said with a pout, feeling reprimanded like a child.

“Says who?”

“Renjun.”

Donghyuck let out a frustrated noise, flailing his hands. “Jeno, of all the years I’ve known you, I never pegged you to be someone stupid. We’re talking about Renjun here. You really think he just wants to be someone’s kissing partner?”

Jeno opened his mouth to try to defend himself but closed them instantly, letting out a strangled noise. He could feel that he was on the losing end of the exchange. All the things Donghyuck just said- he knew them already deep inside him. He had just chosen not to dwell on it because whenever he did, he felt unsecured. He’s suddenly walking on a thin thread with an endless abyss under him and there was a good chance that he would fall.

“Wow, you’re both dumb if you think  _ kissing partner _ is actually a thing.” Donghyuck stated after looking at Jeno’s torn expression. Then, the other grabbed his shoulder and gave it a comforting squeeze. “All I’m saying is, think about it, Jeno. Renjun may be naive but he’s not one to do something like this without thinking hard about it. But you, have  _ you _ thought about this?”

Jeno bit his lip and remained silent. Shaking his head, Donghyuck chuckled and proceeded to face the front when their manager entered the car, putting a halt to their conversation and leaving Jeno to his own thoughts.

\---

Jeno had been thinking.

Jeno had been thinking  _ a lot _ .

Donghyuck’s words had sunk their claws deep in his mind, leaving Jeno to feel their presence everywhere like a malignant ghost. It wasn’t like what the other had said was wrong- Jeno  _ should _ have thought about this properly. He should have weighed all the consequences but instead, he had pushed them all to the back of his mind and put his fate in his stars like an idiot. Now that the pressing issue was slapped right across his face putting it at the forefront of his mind, Jeno couldn’t help but think that he had already let this thing between him and Renjun spiral out of control for too long.

He couldn’t blame all of this on Renjun. Jeno wasn’t that cruel, and he definitely wasn’t idiotic enough to blame his own inability to sort out his feelings and thoughts on the other. Back then when he asked Renjun what they were, he had chickened out and put the decision in Renjun’s hands only when it should have been one they made together.

Jeno had been scared of what they could have been. Scared that if they were more than just what they are now, he would not be enough for Renjun. Because Jeno believed that Renjun deserved more than what he could ever offer to him. And Jeno could only offer so little.

These thoughts caused Jeno to create a wall between him and Renjun. It wasn’t that obvious per se, Jeno still let Renjun sleep in his bed every night because somehow, they just couldn’t sleep without the other’s presence anymore, and they still kissed. But he knew Renjun could feel the budding trepidation that was hovering in the air. There was a slight shift in their dynamics, every touch was calculated, every kiss was accompanied with a pinch of dread, like they both knew  _ something _ was coming to an end.

Then, he realized he liked Renjun more than he thought. So much that whatever they had now, he was content with it. The future was bleak and uncertain, but this? It might be temporary, but this was sure. Jeno was standing on even ground and he was at peace with it. He was content with what his hands could reach. And right now, Renjun was at an arm’s width even if he was slowly starting to slip away.

Truthfully speaking, Jeno didn’t think that the slight difference in their relationship was obvious to others, but like on many occasions, he was wrong.

“Injun-ah, where are you going?” Donghyuck asked.

Jeno startled a little at the mention of the other’s name but he stayed quiet and focused his attention on his phone, making himself seem busy even if he’s also curious. It was one of their game-nights-slash-sleepover and Donghyuck was in the Dream dorm for that purpose. They had just finished a round of Battleground, laptops on the table and wires all scattered in the living room floor, and were taking a break.

“Just gonna buy something from the convenience store.” Renjun answered and Jeno could see him put his shoes on from his peripheral. Like reflex, Jeno looked at the time on his phone.

_ 11:43 PM _ . Jeno frowned.  _ Isn’t it too late to be going outside? _

Donghyuck must have sensed Jeno’s distress because he discreetly nudged his side. When Jeno turned to the mouthy vocalist, his eyebrow was raised and he looked expectant. Jeno’s frown deepened in confusion.  _ What does he want now?  _ Donghyuck sighed and let out a frustrated huff.

“You’re going out alone?”

“Yeah. It’s not that far. I think I can handle a few steps outside, Haechan.”

“Jeno should come with you!” Donghyuck suggested.

“Me?” Jeno’s squeak fell on deaf ears. He immediately spared Renjun a quick glance and saw the other shifting awkwardly near the door, unsure, as his eyes went from Donghyuck to Jeno and back to the vocalist again.

“I don’t think-” Renjun started but Donghyuck cut him off.

“Jeno lost the bet on who will have more kills in our last three rounds and placed last. Therefore, he’s going to buy us ice cream.” Jeno’s mouth gaped at that. Donghyuck smiled threateningly at Jeno before pushing his shoulders to force him to get up. “Just go together okay? We’re on break anyway since Jaemin’s taking a shit.”

“Am not!” Jaemin yelled indignantly from the bathroom, clearly hearing what Donghyuck just said.

“You’ve been in there for a long time. What else would you have been doing there besides that?” Donghyuck countered.

And just like that, Jeno and Renjun were forgotten and left to their own devices as Jaemin and the mouthy vocalist bickered loudly. Jeno gulped and stood up, seeing no other choice but to go with Renjun. Donghyuck was right, he had e lost the bet and had to go to the store anyways to buy ice cream. 

He looked at Renjun and fixed his eyeglasses. “Let me just get my jacket.”

“Okay.” Renjun nodded and opened the front door. “I’ll wait outside.”

With that, Jeno got up and slipped inside their shared room to fetch his jacket from where it was draped across his dresser. He smelled it and deemed that it was still usable before shrugging it on. His back was turned to the door so when it clicked shut, Jeno almost jumped in his place.

“Jesus Christ, Hyuck!” Jeno exclaimed, clutching the shirt above his heart as he tried to calm its racing beat, sending a glare to the mouthy vocalist.

“Talk to him.” Donghyuck hissed, pointing an accusing finger at Jeno. 

“Who-  _ ow _ !” He tried to play dumb but Jeno got a slap on his arm in return from the mouthy vocalist. 

“Don’t play dumb with me, Jeno! Just please talk to Renjun for once, Christ’s sake. You both look at each other with such longing and frustration. And that you both want to say something. It's making me upset to see you both skirt around but also  _ not _ skirt around whatever it is you guys have got going on.” Donghyuck crossed his arms and scoffed at the wild look on Jeno’s face. “Don’t look at me like I’m the villain here. I’m just giving you a push to settle things once and for all with Renjun. Don’t fuck it up.”

Donghyuck was right of course. His words may have been a little harsh but it was definitely what Jeno needed right now.

“What if he doesn’t like me back?” Jeno whispered, deflating in defeat. Donghyuck’s eyes softened.

“Then, you’ll have to stop this pining and move on, man. There’s nothing else for you to do, is there? You can’t force someone to like you. And you obviously can’t live in that faux happy bubble forever. It’s unhealthy for both of you.” Donghyuck’s voice was gentle but his words were firm.

Jeno sighed and raised his head to look at his friend. “I know. I’m just not ready, is all.”

“No one’s really ready for a lot of things, Jeno. Bad things could happen. But good things could also happen. You’ll never truly know if you don’t face the music.” 

“I guess you’re right.”

“I know I’m right.” Donghyuck nodded in the direction of the door. “Now, go. Don’t keep Renjun waiting any longer than you already have.” he muttered.

Jeno huffed, stuffing his wallet and phone in his back pocket, and went outside.

When Jeno exited their apartment-slash-dorm, Renjun was humming a familiar song under his breath. The hallway was quiet and deserted, save for the two of them. He walked straight to Renjun’s side and Renjun looked up, sending him a quick smile, lighting up his face in mere seconds.

“Hey. Sorry to keep you waiting.”

“I didn’t wait long enough. It’s nothing.” Renjun shrugged and they walked to the elevator together.

The ride down to the lobby of their building was doused in comfortable silence, both of them watching the numbers as they slowly counted down to a single digit. Sneakily, Jeno looked at Rejun’s reflection on the elevator doors. His lightly colored hair was hidden in a snapback, but some tuffs of blonde could still be seen sticking out from the hat that Renjun wore the other way around. Other than a mustard muffler, Renjun’s not dressed for the cold weather and Jeno snorted at that.

Renjun’s eyes caught his gaze in the reflection and blinked. “What?”

“A cardigan. Renjun, really?” Jeno sarcastically asked then gestured to his own clothes which consisted of a hoodie, a jacket and a shirt underneath. That’s how cold it was.

Renjun looked at his own clothes and pouted. “It’s not that cold.”

“It  _ is _ that cold, Renjun.” Jeno shook his head and the elevator let out a loud  _ ding! _ , the doors opening for them. Jeno’s words were further proved correct when they stepped outside and their breath created a smoke and Renjun shivered involuntarily. “You still believe its not that cold?”

“Whatever, Jeno Lee.” Renjun mumbled stubbornly and walked a few steps ahead of Jeno, hugging his torso to keep the warmth in. Jeno grinned.  _ Adorable _ . 

It was already midnight and the street was deserted. The convenience store was a short walk from their apartment building, but Jeno could tell that Renjun’s going to freeze himself to death soon if he won’t do something about it. Of course, he’s exaggerating, but the other boy was shivering like a leaf and they’re not even halfway near their destination. Jeno vaguely remembered scrolling past an article about today being the coldest day they’ve had so far this year or something.

With a fond roll of his eyes, Jeno shrugged his jacket off and draped it wordlessly on Renjun’s shoulders.

“Jeno-” Renjun stopped in his tracks, looking at him with an unreadable expression on his face. The moon was hidden behind the dark clouds but the light from the street lamp was enough for Jeno to see the sparkle in Renjun’s eyes.

“You need it more than me.” Jeno grinned, fixing the lapels of his jacket on Renjun’s front once the other had put it on properly. Then, he continued to walk backwards for a while before turning around to face the front. “Let’s go.”

Renjun hurriedly strode to his side so they could walk together, head bowed. He hadn’t gone more than a few steps when Jeno heard sniffling from his side and turned to check. What he saw made him stop in his tracks.

“Are you crying?” Jeno asked, a little bit worried and confused.

Renjun roughly ran a hand across his face but Jeno knew it was his way of wiping his tears away. He could tell, his nose was red and his lashes were wetly clumped together. Renjun was indeed crying. But… why?

“I’m not.” Renjun said in a shaky voice. “Shut up and keep walking.”

But Jeno was quick, he grabbed Renjun’s arm and planted him in his spot. The other looked away, avoiding Jeno’s gaze. Gently, Jeno raised his free hand to catch Renjun’s face and lift it.

_ Tears _ . Renjun’s beautiful eyes were pooling with tears. His lips were red and trembling. It broke Jeno’s heart to see Renjun like this. A lone tear escaped Renjun’s eyes and Jeno caught it with his thumb.

“Hey… no. Why are you crying?” Jeno asked softly.

“I said, n-nothing.”

“Renjun-”

“Stop being so nice to me!” Renjun snapped, slapping Jeno’s hand away from his cheek. He looked as shocked as Jeno felt. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Jeno let go of Renjun’s arm, not wanting to deal any more damage than what he had done. Renjun visibly flinched at that. Maybe Donghyuck was wrong. Maybe it was too late to talk this through now. Maybe Renjun hated Jeno.

“No. I’m the one who should be apologizing.”

Renjun looked at him incredulously, then laughed. The hysteric, empty sound of ir made Jeno cringe. It was nothing like Renjun’s usual melodic laughter. “Jeno, you have nothing to apologize for.” The other stepped closer, until their toes were almost touching. “You have nothing to be sorry about because it’s me who forced you into this mess because- because I like you okay? More than a friend. And now… now our friendship is fucked up and I ruined the only thing we have because I’m too greedy. I ruined it, Jeno, and you must hate me for that. I’m so, so fucking sorry because I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to make us okay.” Renjun let out another hollow chuckle. “Fuck. I don’t even know if we’re going to be okay after this.”

Renjun looked defeated and small and Jeno was speechless for a while. So, Renjun had been carrying these thoughts on his own after all. Just like Jeno with his cowardice and worries. Tonight, something must have pushed Renjun to his limit and all the bottled up feelings broke the glass of the fortress he had built.

But Renjun had it all wrong. He didn’t even know Jeno’s feelings for him. And now that Renjun had admitted he felt the same way that Jeno did, it felt like he could finally breathe. The heavy boulder on his chest was lifted and Renjun didn’t even have a clue that he did it.

“You’re right. Our friendship is all kinds of fucked now. And I want to end it.” Jeno started. Renjun looked at him, tears welling up in his eyes again.  “But you’re wrong about the rest. I want to end our friendship because I can’t help but want something more now that I’ve gotten a taste of it. I’m just as much to blame for this as you are. You can’t force someone who’s willing. And I do hate you… but not for the reasons you think.”

“What- I don’t understand.” Renjun stuttered, confusion swimming in his expression along with trepidation.

Jeno took a deep breath. “I hate you because I like you too much I could never say no to you even if I try.”

Renjun sobbed. Then punched Jeno on his arm. “You can’t s-say shit like that!”

Jeno caught Renjun’s hand and stepped closer, bending a little to level with Renjun’s eyes. “I like you too, Renjun. More than a friend.”

“Oh, my God. What the fuck.” Renjun gasped, eyes wild.

Jeno grinned happily, pulling Renjun to the alley behind him so they could have a little more privacy. He placed Renjun’s hands around his neck and he rested his palms on Renjun’s waist. The other was still crying, looking out of his depth and Jeno waited patiently for him to collect his thoughts together.

“You like me?” Renjun asked once his tears had stopped.

Jeno nodded. “Yes. I have for quite awhile now. I’m sorry I got scared. In my defense, I didn’t know you liked me back because you’re too perfect that I couldn’t even wrap my head around the possibility that there’s a chance of you reciprocating my feelings.”

“You’re an actual idiot if you think that. Wait- scratch that. We’re both idiots because that’s what I feel about you too. Have you seen yourself? You’re like… handcrafted by Zeus and Jesus combined or something.” Renjun sighed, a puff of smoke lingering between them before dissipating. He buried his nose in his muffler when he realized that Jeno had been staring at him with what must have been a lovestruck look on his face. Jeno could care less, Renjun liked him back, he’s allowed to legally sport a lovestruck look now. With his cheeks doused in crimson, Renjun asked in a small voice, “What now? Are we… boyfriends?”

“I would love to be. But I have to ask you, will you be my boyfriend?” Jeno said, pouring all the sincerity in his body to those words. He wanted Renjun to know that this time, Jeno was ready for  _ them _ .

“Yeah.” Renjun even nodded for emphasis.

“Then, we’re boyfriends from now on. No more kissing partners.”

“Boyfriends.” A smile bloomed on Renjun’s face. “I like it much better already.”

Jeno tilted his head. “Seal it with a kiss?”

“Gladly.” And with the leverage he had on Jeno, Renjun stood on his toes to reach for a kiss.

Under the yellow flare of the streetlight and the freezing cold weather, their lips met each other between the smokes of their breaths just as the first snow of the year began to fall. 

\---

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> As always, thank you to my ever so supportive and ever so patient victim (beta), Aris (previously known as R). This would be a mess if you weren't there to make this pretty and readable. You're the best!
> 
> I appreciate every kudos, comment, and hits. They really give me motivation to do better and write more. Feel free to leave some.
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/hrjflairs) | [twt](https://twitter.com/renjunflairs)


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